What do you do when YOUR TEAM is in conflict? They’re coming to you, wound up, riled up, wanting YOU to solve THEIR team conflict for them…

You might even think, “If I wanted this kind of drama, I would have taught kindergarten.”

So what DO you do? 

First, if you’re just now tuning into our Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Workplace Conflict series, let me explain the G.O.A.T. in this video.

The G.O.A.T.s are the Greatest of All Time Powerful Phrases from our new book, Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Workplace Conflict (we have 12 of them, not to mention the 300 phrases for your next ACE– Acute Conflict Emergency).

Now back to you, and your team conflict.

Powerful Phrases to Gather Information

Start by gathering information.

“What do you want me to know?” (connection)

We learned this from trial attorney, Heather Hansen (one of our expert insight contributors). It’s a fantastic question to help draw out what is most meaningful to the person who brought you the issue.

“How might I help here?” (connection)

The power of this question is that it quickly reveals whether the other person just wants to vent or has a real problem. It also helps you understand how they perceive the problem.

“Should the three or more of us talk together?” (connection)

This question is helpful in those situations where you suspect their focus is something other than solving the problem (Like undermining a colleague or kissing you to you). For people who complain and want to dump their problems on you, it helps maintain mutual responsibility.

After you ask these three questions, you will probably have enough information to diagnose the situation. 

Here are the most common types of team conflict.

• The person just needs to vent and get frustration off their chest
• There’s a misunderstanding
• One party is unresponsive or sees priorities differently
• People are working toward different goals
• There’s a style or personality conflict
• You discover toxic behavior
  

“What I’m hearing is… What have I missed? And, what would you add?” (clarity)

This is another check for understanding to summarize what you’ve heard and ensure you heard everyone’s voice. Now it’s time to respond.

Powerful Phrases to Support Your Team in Conflict

“That sounds ______(insert emotion). Is there something I can do to help?”(Curiosity)

If the person needs to vent, use a second reflect-to-connect and check to see if there’s something else they need that will help them feel heard and get them back to their work.

“We are approaching this with different values and styles. Let’s see what we can learn from one another and build a way forward.” (Commitment)
Many team conflicts come from different perspectives, values, personalities, and styles. When your team has different values or methods that cause conflicts, it’s a valuable opportunity to learn how to communicate and leverage one another’s perspectives.

You can facilitate this conversation yourself or bring a third party to help your team learn how to navigate these differences and build remarkable results (Here are many instruments to use depending on your needs– examples include MBTI, DiSC, Enneagram, and TKI Conflict Mode Assessment. (Note: you can watch our interview with Ralph Kilman founder of the TKI here).

For this scenario, the most important focus is to have a discussion.

Team conflict can be productive– and certainly shouldn’t consume you with other people’s drama. You will energize your team and maintain productivity when you acknowledge their emotions, ask key questions, create an appropriate path forward, and (always!) use GOAT #12 to schedule the finish and ensure everyone follows through.

See Also: Why Agree to Disagree Stinks (and What to Say Instead)

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Passive-aggressive behavior is contagious. It’s easy to let yourself react with frustration or even get passive-aggressive (or maybe aggressive-aggressive) yourself. Now you look like the jerk—not good. The best way to deal with a passive-aggressive coworker is not to get caught in their game. Staying calm, as this respondent in our World Workplace Conflict and Collaboration survey suggests, can make all the difference and reduce the likelihood of passive-aggressive behavior in the future.

What Are Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behaviors?

Let’s start with what we mean by passive-aggressive coworker behavior. The aggressive part is that the person is feeling anger or hostility. The passive part is that they don’t express it directly. Rather, it’s hidden in underhanded ways of power, control, or deception.

For example, a passive-aggressive comment about being passive-aggressive might look like this: “Oh, they always seem to find a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It must be nice to live in a world where you’re never wrong.”

Typical passive-aggressive coworker behaviors include things like:

• Snarky comments
• Bitter, critical, or demeaning humor
• Withholding information
• Backhanded compliments
• Sabotaging your success by failing to meet a commitment

Please, Don’t Say This to Your Passive-aggressive Coworker.

Before we get to the phrases, let’s get one “do not” out of the way: Do not tell someone they’re being passive-aggressive.

It doesn’t work. They’ll get defensive or accuse you of the same thing. After all, how dare you label me? Instead, get some space, stay calm, and use these phrases.

Powerful Phrases for Working with a Passive-Aggressive Coworker

“Is this a pattern?”

This first Powerful Phrase is just for you to ask yourself. All of us have moments where we’re frustrated, don’t know how to express our concerns, or are clumsy. If the specific situation is new and doesn’t have a major implication, it’s worth having some patience and seeing if there is a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior.

“Is this a big deal?”

However, if the passive-aggressive coworker withheld information and made you look bad in front of the executive team, or this is the third time it happened, you’ll do well to address the behavior.

Powerful Phrases to Raise Your Concern

“I noticed that…”

One of the most powerful ways to address passive-aggressive coworker behavior is to describe what happened – calmly. Staying calm avoids playing into their game. Here are three examples:

“I noticed during the meeting you said that ‘It must be nice to be the favorite.’”

“I noticed that in your presentation you included the data that showed your team’s results in one category, but did not include the other three.”

“I’ve noticed that you always cc: my manager on all your emails to me and am curious about what’s happening there?”

For someone who doesn’t have deeply ingrained passive-aggressive behaviors, shining a light on what happened is often all it takes to put a stop to it. You’ll know this person because they say something like “Yeah, you’re right. I was having a bad day” or “Hmm, good point. I don’t need to do that.”

Powerful Phrases to Help Them Feel Heard

“What I hear you saying is…”

When a coworker says something snarky, uses critical humor, or some other passive-aggressive statement, it’s usually because they’re upset or frustrated. Once again, don’t respond to how they said it or even, necessarily to what they said, but to what their words represent.

“What I hear you saying is that you feel like I’m getting more opportunities than I deserve. Is that right?”

If you can say this calmly, and without judgment, you might start a meaningful, authentic conversation about what they’re thinking and feeling. For example, they might agree. “Yeah, I have been frustrated. It seems like everything goes your way.” Or they might disagree, “No, you definitely deserve the opportunities. I’m just frustrated that I’m not getting them too.”

You’ve just unlocked the hidden emotion that they didn’t know how to express—and helped them express it. From there, you might continue with a reflect-to-connect statement. Something like, “Yeah, it can be frustrating when everyone else seems to get the opportunities you want.”

“How can I help?”

Wait, what? You want me to help the obnoxious, passive-aggressive coworker?

Well, maybe. If they shared their frustration, offering your support can build a connection. It also gives them a chance to directly say if you’ve done anything that made the situation worse. You can take responsibility if you need to or look for ways to encourage or support them. In the best case, you’ve turned them into an ally. In the worst case, they won’t have the same animosity and are more likely to leave you alone.

Powerful Phrases to Focus on the Work

“Here is what we’re accountable for.”

Use this one when you have a colleague who makes commitments, but doesn’t follow through and then claims “I forgot” or “I didn’t think that was a full plan.” Document everyone’s commitments and make sure everyone involved has a copy. You’re helping the team get things done and removing the passive-aggressive person’s opportunity to make excuses.

“This is what happened / what I’ve done / what the data says. You can take a look here.”

When a passive-aggressive coworker misrepresents the facts, calmly repeat the truth and invite people to examine the facts for themselves. For example, you might say, “It sounds like there’s a misunderstanding here. I completed these reports. I submitted them and finance approved them at… Here they are if it would be helpful to review.”

“I really want to make this work, and I need your help.”

This is another Powerful Phrase to use with a third party—possibly your manager or human resource representative. If you’ve tried addressing the person and the pattern continues, take time to document the specific instances, including dates, times, and what happened. Then ask for help.

Approach the situation with humility. For example, you might tell your manager, “I’m committed to the team and to making this work. My coworker’s actions here are affecting my ability to do my work, but I’m not having any luck addressing it. I need your help.

Most passive-aggressive behavior happens because the person doesn’t know how to get what they need in a more direct way. Addressing the behavior calmly and directly can help defuse the conflict. It’s not your job to change the other person (and you can’t even if you want to). But with these Powerful Phrases, you can improve the relationship and sometimes gain a colleague.

See Also:

Should I Quit This Workplace Conflict: How to Know When It’s Time to Leave

Powerful Phrases to Win With a Moody Boss: Even a Dropper of F-Bombs

The post How to Talk With a Passive-Aggressive Coworker (And Not Play Their Game) appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

It’s so tempting to ignore conflict at work. After all, it takes energy and effort to start the conversation.

Sometimes it just feels easier to pretend everything’s good, keep the conversation light, and vent when you get home to anyone who will listen.

But here’s the thing. You can’t improve collaboration if you don’t start the conversation, WITH the actual people involved.

Or as one of our favorite Courageous Cultures clients in Switzerland tells us, “sometimes you just have to put the fish on the table and talk about what’s stinking up the place.”

We know you believe that, because you’re here, investing a bit of time in energy to do this well.

Thank you for your courage and willingness to open the dialogue.

Why It’s So Tempting To Avoid Conflict at Work

There are a variety of reasons people avoid the important conversation they long to have.

One biggie is the lack of connection. A consistent theme across so much research on trust is that connection matters. If you don’t know much about someone, it’s hard to trust them. And, it’s really hard to start a sensitive conversation or address a workplace conflict without trust.

Oddly, the opposite is also true. If you care about someone and your relationship, the stakes might feel too high to bring up a potentially contentious topic. The relationship feels too important to risk losing over this issue, so you do your favorite Elsa (from Frozen) impression and “Let it go.”

Which CAN work, if you actually DO, let it go.

But letting it go is not the same as shoving it down. When too many unspoken concerns pile up, the relationship can quietly degrade. Or worse, everything feels great until it all explodes in one big gush of frustration.

Like that time Uncle Bob threw the Thanksgiving Turkey off the balcony.

And, then, there’s the “last time factor.”

When we ask our clients why they won’t start the conversation they know they need to have, the “last time” factor ranks high on the list.

“The last time I brought this up, he screamed.”

“The last time I tried to address an issue with a co-worker, she spoke badly about me to everyone.”

“Oh, the last time I tried to clarify expectations, I was told to stop being so negative.

In our research on psychological safety and speaking up, we found that often these “last times” weren’t even with players involved in the current conflict, or even at the same company.

Powerful Phrases to Start the Conversation

Here are a few important conversation starters, beginning with the conversation you have with yourself.

Ask yourself

When summoning the courage to surface unspoken conflict, one of the best things you can do is ground yourself in your intention.

Powerful phrases to ask yourself…

“What do I really want to say?”

This one might seem obvious, but conflict can be messy. You might want to say all the things.

Getting clear on your true intention can really help streamline the conversation. Consider what you want the person you’re engaging with to think, feel, or do as a result of your conversation.

“Why does what I have to say matter?”

The famous radio host Bernard Meltzer, is known for offering this sage advice.

“Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”

That’s a good screen as you consider whether to start the conversation. If what you have to say is true, kind, and necessary, then it matters. Ground your conversation in that “why.”

“What’s preventing me from saying it?

This is where you get in touch with your own fears and the story you’re telling yourself about what might happen. Are you concerned about “last times?”  Are you worried about the relationship? Understanding what’s holding you back can help ground your message.

For example, if you’re concerned about the relationship, you might begin there.

“I’m hesitant to bring this up because I know it could be upsetting. The thing is, I care too much about our relationship and the work we’re doing together to not talk about this…”

“What’s at stake if I stay silent?

Dr. Amy Edmondson, the pioneer of psychological safety, often talks about how people are more likely to “discount the future” benefits of speaking up, and overweight their current fear.

When you ask yourself this powerful question, you consider the future and the risks of staying silent.

Martin Sheen is known for sharing this poignant Irish tale

A man who arrives at the gates of heaven and asks to be let in St. Peter says, “Of course, just show us your scars.” The man says, “I have no scars”. St. Peter says, “What a pity was there nothing worth fighting for”?

“What might be causing others to default to silence?”

Of course, you can’t know for sure if you don’t ask, but you might have some hunches. One approach could be to “put the fish on the table” in this way.

“I’m concerned that we might not be talking about _________. And my hunch is that’s because of _________.  Here’s why I thnk we need to have the conversation anyway. What do you think?

“What’s the worst thing that can happen here?”

That final question can be strangely empowering. One of our clients, a US Marine veteran is fond of saying. “When I get too stressed about a conflict, I just remember, no one is shooting at me.”

Get Curious: Invite Others Into the Conversation

Once you’ve grounded yourself in your intention, it’s time to get curious. Here are a few powerful phrases that can help start the conversation.

• “What’s one issue we’re not talking about that would make all the difference in our effectiveness?”
• “I’m sensing that there’s something important we’re not talking about, do you feel that way too?”
• “I’ve noticed ________ (insert concern here). I’d love to brainstorm ways we could address this.”
• “Let’s put the fish on the table (or ditch the diaper genie) and talk about what’s really going on here.”

Or Try Visible Anonymity

If asking these questions directly feels overly intimidating for you (or for them), another approach is to surface people’s candid feelings using a visible anonymity technique. Visible anonymity means you ask a question, and everyone can tell people are answering, but they don’t know who said what.

If you’re physically in the same room, one easy way to do this is to hand out index cards and invite people to share their hopes and concerns. Then you collect the cards, read them aloud, and discuss them.

Some examples we use all the time using the Index card approach to start the conversation:

• “What are your biggest hopes for this project?”
• “What are your biggest fears for this project?”

OR…

• “What are you most looking forward to in the next six months?” (this is a great one to create connection and common ground).
• “What are your biggest concerns for the next six months?”

If you’re working in a remote team, you can achieve a similar outcome, with a quick anonymous survey.

We do this all the time in the “Asking for a Friend”  segment in our leadership development programs.  In between sessions, we use our Let’s Grow Leaders Learning Lab (micro-learning tool) to invite people to ask any question they might be reluctant to ask in the live program.

It works great in panel discussions too. You can invite employees to raise important questions to a panel of your leaders on simple “Asking for a Friend” cards you scatter on the tables and then collect.

It’s amazing how eager people are to share what’s on their hearts and minds, and we can easily surface the conversations that need to happen and discuss tangible solutions.

Finding the courage to start an uncomfortable conversation can be tricky, but when you ground yourself in connection and intention, you’ll likely save everyone from bigger angst and frustration in the future.

Related Articles:

12 Powerful Phrases to Navigate Challenging Workplace Conflict

How to Host a Clear-the-Air Meeting for Better Team Collaboration

How to Get Beneath the Surface to Support Your Team (Video)

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“I was in a meeting the other day, and one of the executives thanked my boss for the success of a project I’ve been working on all year. And you know what she said next? Thank you. I was sitting right there. She took ALL THE CREDIT! The really infuriating thing is that she had NOTHING to do with that project. It was 100% me. I wonder how many times she’s done that? Who wants to work for a credit stealer?”

“I can’t believe it. I shared my idea with a co-worker last night. And today, when our manager asked us for our ideas, that credit stealer immediately chimed in and shared MY idea as if it were her own. I didn’t want to look petty, so I didn’t say anything. But now, I’m really ticked!”

“This is the third time this year a coworker took credit for my idea. It’s demoralizing. I don’t want to work with all these credit-stealing meanies. I’m out of here.”

These are just a few examples of credit-stealing examples we’ve heard recently.

So Familiar

If any of these scenarios sound familiar, sadly you’re in good company. One of the most surprising findings in our Courageous Cultures research was the huge number of people (fifty-six percent) who said they don’t share ideas because they’re afraid they won’t get credit.

When we share this finding in our keynotes, you can hear always hear an audible, mmm hmm, sweep over the ballroom. And if there’s a cocktail reception that evening, there’s always a line of people eager to share their stories of stolen ideas, and credit-stealing co-workers or bosses.

What a tragic loss of innovation, not to mention the drain on morale and engagement.

Credit stealing is clearly a significant source of conflict and frustration in the workplace. Why? One big reason is that it’s not too easy to talk about.

We often hear, “What am I supposed to say? Stop stealing credit for my idea, you credit stealer! That just feels petty. So, I just let it go.”

Of course, if you don’t address a behavior, it’s likely to continue. In fact, it’s possible they’re not trying to be malicious or backstabbing. They might just be moving fast and forgot to thank you.

So today, let’s slow down and give you some empowering phrases to address this credit-stealing scene.

How to Address a Credit-Stealing Coworker

First, we know it’s not easy. You don’t want to look like you care about credit more than the work itself. But let’s be real. Recognition matters. You should get credit for your work and ideas.

Unless there’s been a distinct pattern of credit stealing, start with a bit of curiosity, and share what you’ve noticed.

• “I noticed you brought up the idea about ___ in our staff meeting today. I’m curious, do you remember the conversation we had the other day when I shared this idea with you?”
• “Well, the good news is that people seem to really appreciate our work. Do you think ________ (your boss, the executive team, or key stakeholders), understands all that went into this and who was involved?”
• “I noticed you didn’t mention my role in this project. I’m curious why you chose to approach it that way.”

And then, ask for help in remedying the situation.

• “It’s important that we all get credit for the hard work that we do. What do you think we can do to fix this?”
• “I could really use your help ensuring everyone understands my role in this (project, idea). It’s going to sound much better coming from you than from me. How do you suggest we approach this?”
• “I’m sure this was an oversight, and I’d love your help in making it right. Do you think you could talk with _______so they understand what happened here?”
• And then, schedule the finish “Great, let’s catch up after our staff meeting later this week to hear how that went. Note: By scheduling a time to talk about it again you have a natural way to follow up without having to muster the courage to bring it up again.

What to Say if Your Boss isn’t Acknowledging Your Contributions

I (Karin) once taught an evening MBA class called, “Dealing with Difficult People at Work.” Every student picked one “difficult person” as their project to apply what they were learning. All but one person in the class picked their boss. And, the number one issue was their boss was a chronic credit stealer. More data that this credit-stealing feeling is widespread.

What was really interesting is most of these managers responded incredibly well, with an apology and a sincere effort to make it right. In most cases, they were just busy and overwhelmed and hadn’t thought about how important it was to give credit to their team.

When starting a conversation with your manager, it’s particularly important to show up curious– giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Here are a few phrases that can help.

• I’m curious. Do you think ______ (their boss, their peer, or key stakeholder) understands my role in this project? I love this kind of work, so I want to ensure people understand what I bring to the table for future opportunities like this.
• As part of my career development plan, I’d love to find the appropriate time to meet with (their boss, their peer, key stakeholder) so they know more about me and my work, and to gather some additional feedback about how I could be successful. Would that be cool with you?
• I’ve been thinking about my leadership brand around here, and I wonder how well people really know me and what I do. In our next one-on-one, I’d love to talk with you about some of my key strategic projects and get your thoughts on how I can do a better job letting people know what I do and why it matters.

And this one works great if you have noticed a pattern with your manager taking credit. You’re not talking about the past, but just asking for help in the future.

• “It’s really important to me that I learn to advocate for my ideas, and I’m not sure I always do that well. I wonder what coaching you might have to position my ideas so they’re more likely to be received?”

How to Apologize if You’ve Accidently Taking Too Much Credit

When work projects are moving fast, it’s also entirely possible you’ll find yourself on the receiving side of too much credit.  When this happens, work to prevent workplace conflict and hard feelings, by acknowledging the situation, apologizing, and doing what you can to make it right as fast as possible.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to take more credit than I deserved. Here’s what I’m going to do to make it right.”

Why You Should Try

Here’s the good news. Credit stealing conflict is some of the easiest workplace conflicts to resolve with one good conversation. If it’s an oversight or accident, people usually move quickly to make it right. And even if the credit-taking or idea stealing was deliberate, the culprit is less likely to continue the pattern once you’ve talked with them about it.

See Also:

Workplace Conflict Resolution: 12 Powerful Phrases to Turn Conflict to Collaboration

The post Powerful Phrases to Deal With a Credit Stealer or Idea Thief appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

When I was a little girl, my mom loved to tell us the story of the Little Red Hen. In this sweet little children’s book, our little, plucky, red heroine stays focused on her MITs (most important things) and gives her barnyard friends plenty of chances to pitch in. When a lazy coworker refuses her requests to help, she just keeps doing what needs to be done. Consistently.

She doesn’t complain, but it all works out in the end.

If you’re not familiar with the story, it’s got a clear message: if you don’t put in the work, you don’t get the rewards.

Whenever I got a little bit lazy, like wanting someone else to help clear the table, I can still hear my mom saying, do you REMEMBER what happened to the little red hen’s friends?

And she’d give me that look and say in her best barnyard voice, “‘Not I’, said the fox. ‘Not I,’ said the duck,” anytime I was tempted to say “no.”

It’s a great story, but real life doesn’t always work out that way.

Sometimes your lazy coworker gets just as much bread as you, at least in the short run. It can be difficult to stay motivated. “Why do I work so hard, when no one seems to notice?”

Start With You: What to Do When Your Coworker is Lazy

Having spent many years in human resources, then leading large teams, and now working with leaders around the world, let me start here.

Chances are, your boss picks up a lot more than you know. And might be dealing with it. Performance management conversations happen behind closed doors.

I wish we could tell you how many performance issues I’ve dealt with, where I longed to tell the high-performing members of the team what I was doing about their lazy coworker.

Of course, I can’t assure you that your manager has this under control. It’s possible they’re lazy too.

But what I DO KNOW for certain is that the most important person to worry about in this situation is you.

So what can do you?

Do…

1. Keep rocking your role.

Like the little red hen, stay focused on YOUR most important priorities. Be sure you keep building up your brand with a strong track record of results and collaborative relationships. The worse thing you can do is slack on your performance or reduce your standards. Your reputation will long outlast the influence of this lazy coworker.

2. Stay empathetic and curious

It’s possible that your lazy coworker is not actually lazy as much as feeling overwhelmed or dealing with something you don’t fully understand. Here’s where a few “Navigating Workplace Conflict Power Phrases” can come in.

• “I care about you and the work we’re doing together. I’ve noticed you’ve missed a few deadlines recently. Is everything okay?”
• “I’m worried about our team. Everyone’s under so much stress. Do you have a few minutes so we can talk about how we can best support one another?”
• “I’ll be honest. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m taking on too much of the load. I’m curious about what this looks like from your perspective.”
• “We all have so much on our plates. Do you have any ideas about how we could support one another a bit more? I have a few thoughts (be ready with specific suggestions) and I would love to hear yours.”

3. Ask your manager how you can be helpful

You can do this without being a blamer or complainer. Resist the temptation to start with words like, “I know how lazy this dude is…” Instead, use this as an opportunity to make the conversation about you and how you can best help (without taking on too much, see #5 below).

If your manager is dealing with a slacker, she can use all the help she can get and will be grateful for your support (and having a grateful boss can never hurt).

• “I’ve noticed we’ve had a few missed deliverables lately (or late work, or poor performance metrics). I care deeply about this team and our performance. My plate is already full, but I also want to ensure our team meets our goals. Is there anything I can do in the short term to pitch in during this challenging time?”

4. DO build a network of support

Seek out folks with similar ambition and work ethic to support and challenge you. Find a mentor. Look for peers on other teams. Take on a leadership role in a professional association. Genuine connections are lighter fluid on the fire of motivation. Find people who get you and you admire and find ways to spend more time together.

And Don’t…

5. Gossip or complain to your peers

Whatever you do, don’t let their bad behaviors turn you into a jerk at work. Workplace gossip will tank productivity and then your manager has to deal with the lazy coworker AND the distraction it’s causing.

6. Become a victim or martyr

I know what I said in number 3 about supporting your manager in dealing with the fallout of a lazy coworker. That can be helpful to them, the team, and your career. And, of course, you also need to keep your work in perspective. Resist the urge to do all the things.

It’s not your job to do everyone’s job or to catch all the balls as they drop. Stay focused on your deliverables and nail them. If your co-worker consistently drops the ball, let him experience a few of the consequences.

If you’re concerned about a deadline being missed or sloppy work from your lazy coworker, you can always suggest you go to your manager together to talk about the work, not the person.

• “I’m concerned that we’re going to miss this deliverable to our client. I think we’d better inform our manager so they are not blindsided and to see what suggestions they may have. Do your best to foster a culture of accountability.”
• “I’m concerned about our team’s performance and I’ve noticed that you’re really running behind on the project plan.” I’m curious about what’s going on here for you. Who have you let know about what’s happening? What ideas do you have for getting things back on track?”

Lazy and underperforming coworkers continue to be one of the greatest sources of stress and workplace conflict in organizations. These low performers are particularly aggravating when you’re working on all cylinders to do the right thing.

Summary: How to deal with a lazy coworker

1. Keep rocking your role
2. Stay empathetic and curious
3. Ask your manager how you can be helpful
4. Build a network of support
5. Don’t gossip or complain about your peers
6. Don’t become a victim or a martyr

Your turn. What’s your best advice for dealing with a lazy coworker?

The post Help I Have a REALLY LAZY Coworker! How Do I Stay Motivated? appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

It’s getting worse. This phenomenon of ghosting at work.

What is Ghosting at Work?

Ghosting at work is when you THINK you’re in an important conversation.  And THEN, the other party completely disappears.

Such disappearing stunts are not that different from their close cousin in the dating scene.

You’ve had a few great dates. Excellent conversation. You made some fun plans for NEXT weekend. Maybe even a sweet kiss. And then, nothing. Nada. Completely gone.

Here are common examples of ghosting at work I hear nearly every day.

• A candidate has multiple, promising interviews, and the hiring manager “ghosts” leaving the candidate hanging… not knowing whether to give up and move on or to remain hopeful.
• A candidate receives a job offer and then ghosts without rejecting the position. Or worse, accepts the job and is a no-call-no show on the first day.
• A prospective customer asks for multiple discovery calls and a detailed leadership development proposal with multiple iterations. And then, completely disappears (Okay, okay, I’m particularly salty about this one 😉
• Someone reaches out asking for a meeting, you schedule it, and they don’t show up.

Why is Ghosting at Work on the Rise?

I’m not sure exactly why disappearing mid-conversation is on the rise, but I’ve got some theories.

It might have something to do with all the remote work. Perhaps it’s easier to quit a conversation mid-stream when you’ve never been in the same room. It’s easier to dehumanize a face on a zoom square than a human in 3D.

It could be fear of having a difficult conversation or disappointing someone who worked so hard.

Or in some cases, I blame bad manners. Their parents just didn’t think to explain that ghosting is rude.

The top reasons in my recent “ghosting at work” LinkedIn poll, were “scared to give bad news” and “bad manners.”  I’m inclined to agree.

Dave Gregory commented.

It varies by event, but the crux of the issue is an erosion of common decency in how we treat one another. While many things have contributed to this erosion, our experiences would be better if chose to treat each other better. Leadership is treating people the way they want to be treated. We all need to be better leaders.

Why Leaving a Conversation Hanging is So Destructive to People and Your Work Culture

It may seem like no big deal. After all, if you disappear the message is clear. “I’m not interested.” “This conversation is over.” “I got all I need from you.”

The problem is, there’s another human being at the end of this ghosting at work scene. It’s possible, your “no big deal” IS a bigger deal to them. In fact, imagine you’re a candidate who had three seemingly promising interviews all go dark at the same time.

It also degrades trust– not just for your own brand, but for the brand of your organization. And the ghosted human is likely not keeping their frustration to themselves.

As Nick Sellers, shares:

The lack of communication, closure, completeness, or whatever we call it speaks volumes in itself. While disappointing and frustrating to one party it tells much about the other. Perhaps an opportunity to reflect and be thankful that the relationship didn’t get started and become a series of similar, and worse, experiences?

I agree with Nick.

When a leadership development prospect goes completely dark after extensive work on a proposal or design, I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet.

Clearly, they’re not serious about human-centered leadership or collaborating as meaningful partners. I count my blessings that I didn’t waste any more time.

AND, I still get sad that we work in a world where people think that’s okay.

What to Do Say Instead (When You’re Tempted to Disappear)

One big reason I hear for ghosting at work is that it just takes too much time to respond. I get it. I really do.

But the truth is, even a one or two-sentence response provides closure and shows you care enough to exit the interaction gracefully.

Here are responses even a slow typer can type in less than 30 seconds.

• Thank you for your time and effort. We’ve gone in another direction.
• I appreciate the work you put into this proposal. We’re not moving forward at this time.
• Thank you for coming to meet with us. We’ve decided to not fill this position at this time.
• It was a difficult decision, but we’ve gone with another candidate.
• Thank you for taking the time to interview me, I’ve decided to take another offer.
• I won’t be able to make our meeting today.

What to Say if You’ve Been Ghosted

In order to prevent ghosting at work from becoming an acceptable norm, I’m hoping more people will call out the behavior when it happens.

• I haven’t heard from you, have you gone in a different direction?
• I’m wondering if you’ve received my emails following up on our _____ (proposal, conversation, interview).  I’d love to get some closure on this one way or another.
• I really care about the work we’ve done together so far, and it’s important to me that we close this conversation on a good note. Can have a quick conversation to _______.
• I just read this human-centered leadership article by Karin Hurt on why ghosting is bad. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I’m curious as to your motivation to just disappear.  Are you busy or rude?  LOL… I’m just kidding. Don’t use this one 😉

Your turn.

I’m curious to hear your stories. Are you seeing ghosting at work on the rise, and if so what do you think are the root causes? Have you ever been ghosted at work? What did you do? What do you think we can do to reverse this trend?

The post Ghosting at Work: Why it’s Terribly Destructive and What to Say Instead appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

Have you ever felt this way? You’re in the middle of a challenging conflict, seeking workplace conflict resolution, and at a complete loss for words.

You’re mad. They’re mad. Maybe you even say something you can’t take back. And then in the middle of the night, the perfect words come to you. The “wish I’d said” regrets can run deep.

It’s impossible to prepare for every workplace conflict. And, you can’t script influence. But it can be remarkably useful to prepare for inevitable workplace disagreements by considering what you might say before you need to say it.

But what if you had go-to Powerful Phrases that you can use in almost any situation? That would be helpful, right?

In this article, we give you 12 Powerful Phrases that are the GOATs (Greatest of All Time) from our new book Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Workplace Conflict: What to Say Next to De-Stress the Workday, Build Collaboration and Calm Difficult Customers.

Workplace Conflict Resolution: 12 Powerful Phrases to De-Stress Your Workday, Build Collaboration, and Calm Difficult Customers

Each of these GOATs is designed to address one of the four dimensions of Workplace Conflict.

1. Connection—Do we know one another as human beings?
2. Clarity—Do we have a shared understanding of success?
3. Curiosity—Are we genuinely interested in other perspectives and what’s possible?
4. Commitment—Do we have a clear agreement?

We’ve chosen twelve go-to GOAT Powerful Phrases because you can use them in many different conflict conversations. We mean these phrases to be thought-provoking prompts, not a script. Use them as a starting point to inspire the right words that feel natural and authentic to you.

Powerful phrases to foster connection

Workplace conflict always involves people– and every conflict gets easier the more you know each other, understand each other’s perspectives, and see each other as human beings.

You can depersonalize the conflict by personalizing the conversation. 

1. I care about _____ (you, this team, this project) and I’m confident we can find a solution that we can all work with.

Acknowledge the challenge, your difference of opinions, and your confidence that you can work through the conflict together.  Of course, this one requires sincerity. If your past behavior makes this statement questionable, you’ll want to supplement this one with a sincere apology as you state your intent for your future relationship

2. Tell me more.

Nothing builds connection like being seen, and this Powerful Phrase gets there in just three words. This prompt helps move through surface conversation and symptoms to deeper meaning. When you invite the other person to continue, they’ll often help you understand what they really want to say, what matters most to them, and you’ll avoid misunderstandings.

3. It sounds like you’re feeling _____ is that right? [pause for affirmation]. Thank you for letting me know how you feel.

This Powerful Phrase is a tried-and-true relationship-building technique called “reflect to connect”. When you “reflect to connect,” you’re not agreeing with what they’ve said or telling them you agree with their emotion. Rather, you’re acknowledging how they feel. You see them. When you reflect, you create a common starting place for the conversation.

When they know you’ve seen and heard them, it diffuses some of the emotional intensity and builds a connection that allows you to move to constructive next steps. Checking in with the other person to validate their feelings can also help de-escalate a conflict at any point in the conversation.

Here’s an example of this G.O.A.T. in use. “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with the lack of response from marketing and that’s sapping your motivation. Do I have that right?”

Powerful phrases to create clarity

Most conflict at work (or anywhere else) comes from an expectation violation. Some of the most powerful phrases you can use in any conflict are those that lead to greater clarity.

4. What would a successful outcome do for you?

You may or may not agree on what success looks like, but gaining clarity around expectations can save a lot of time and wasted energy. If it turns out you both want the same thing, you can shift to a “how can we” conversation. “Great, it sounds like we both want something similar. So how can we make that happen?”

At the very least, this powerful question gives you insights into what the other person needs, and then of course opens the door for you to share your definition of success as well.

5. Let’s start with what we agree on.

When you’re in the middle of a workplace conflict, it’s easy to overlook the common ground. It’s likely you share some common perspective to build on. Taking a few minutes to know what you agree on can help reduce stress and create a more collaborative tone for the work ahead.

6. What I’m hearing you say is __________. Am I interpreting that correctly?

Similar to number three where you reflect their emotion, this is a check for understanding to show that you’re actively listening, interested in, and truly understand the other person’s point of view. This powerful phrase is gold when working through workplace conflict because it also helps clear up misinterpretations and misunderstandings.

Powerful phrases to show up curious

One of the fastest ways to get to the root cause of a workplace conflict is to show up genuinely curious about what the situation looks like from the other person’s point of view. As with all of these power phrases your positive intent matters, as does your tone and facial expression.  

Your genuine curiosity will help people feel seen, and similar to the clarity power phrases, can give you a deeper sense of expectations and desired outcomes.

7. I’m curious how this looks from your perspective.

The beauty of this workplace conflict power phrase is that it can be useful at almost any point in the conversation.  Variations include, “What’s your take on this situation?” “I’d love to hear your point of view on this.”

Of course, once you listen to their perspective, you set the stage to share yours.

8. What do you suggest we do next?

This power phrase can be so useful to move the conversation from complaining or handwringing to tangible next steps, and it sets you up to share your ideas as well.

9. What can I do to support you right now?

One of the fastest ways to de-escalate an emotional conversation is to show up with genuine curiosity about how you might help. This question pairs with the connection questions listed above.

Powerful phrases to foster commitment

One of the most frustrating aspects of workplace conflict conversations is that it seems like they’ll never end. One of the best ways to have more influence and impact is with words that move you from discussion to action.

10. What’s one action we can both agree to as a next step here?

You might not have resolved all the issues, but steering the conversation to one specific next step helps create forward momentum. Asking for just one action will usually feel doable. And if one  step feels easy, you can always say “Great, what else do you think we could do?”

11. So, to recap our conversation, we’ve agreed to _________. Is that your understanding?

As you can see, we’re big believers in the “check for understanding” throughout the conversation. It’s particularly important when recapping a workplace conflict conversation. The more emotionally intense the conversation, the more critical this final step is. If you leave the discussion with different expectations, you’ll have continued conflict and hurt feelings.

12. Let’s schedule some time to talk about this again, and see how our solution is working.

If you’ve ever been in one of our leadership training programs, you’ll recognize this as “scheduling the finish,”

One of the big sources of workplace conflict is when you think you’ve resolved it, and everything doesn’t go the way you planned. Scheduling time to talk about the situation again makes the follow-up conversation more natural because you’ve already agreed to it. A scheduled follow-up increases the odds that you’ll both keep your commitments to one another. And, it gives you a built-in opportunity to discuss the inevitable disruptions to your plan.

Your Turn

Workplace conflict resolution is never easy but often quite necessary and valuable in high-performing teams. Being able to surface and navigate workplace conflict is one of the most important skill sets for every team member to master. These powerful phrases can serve as a useful starting point. We encourage you to refine them and make them your own.

We’d love to hear from you: What would you add? What are your favorite go-to phrases for navigating workplace conflict? Click the image below to learn more and download FREE Sample Chapters. 

The post Workplace Conflict Resolution: 12 Powerful Phrases to Turn Conflict to Collaboration appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

It’s never easy to say no at work. After all, you want to be helpful, responsive, and a team player. And yet, every time you say “yes” to something or someone, you’re saying “no” to something or someone else.

When you tell your boss, “Yes, I will work late tonight,” you might have to tell your daughter, “No, I can’t come to your tee-ball game.”

Or, when you tell a co-worker, “Yes, I can take on this new client.” You might also be saying, “No, I won’t be able to launch that new product this month.”

When you tell a customer, sure, “I’ll expedite your request.” You might also realize you just committed to skipping your standard quality checks.

“Yes, my team can do that for you,” might mean, “I’m going to have to postpone our team’s strategic planning offsite... again.”

How to Say No at Work…Watch the Video for More Ideas!

1. Ground yourself in confidence and humility
2. Say yes to what’s most important
3. Know when your “know” means you should say no
4. Say a hard no to ethics and values violations
5. Yes, you can even say no to your boss

1. Ground Yourself in Confident Humility

In our leadership programs, we always recommend facing difficult conversations with confidence and humility.

Confidence Sentence Starters:

• I’ve studied this problem extensively. Here’s what I know…
• My experience tells me we should go in another direction.
• I’m confident that we should take a different approach, here’s why…

Humble Sentence Starters:

• I’ve got some strong opinions on this, but I’m curious about what you think.
• I have concerns, and my inclination is to say no. But first, I’m open to your perspective.
• What else do I need to know before I say no?

2. Say Yes to What’s Most Important

The most powerful way to gain the confidence to say no at work is to be crystal clear about what matters most. We call these your Most Important Things, or MITs.

When you’re clear about what matters most, you can reframe your “no” as a yes to the bigger picture.

“Yes… And”

As David Dye shares in, How to Help Your Team Say No at Work, one way to do this is by affirming the request and the value the request might represent—that’s the “yes.” Then bridge to the context, consequences, and decisions—that’s the “and.”

For example, “Yes, it sounds like this project would benefit our marketing strategy. And, at the moment, the team is cranking hard to meet our customer’s finish line for the new product development. I can certainly prioritize this new marketing project if we can shift the product deadline. Or, we could get this new one done after the product wraps up. My preference would be to finish up with the product so we can give this our full attention. What do you think makes the most sense?”

Other powerful phrases to say yes… and

Here are a few other examples of saying no at work, while saying a respectful yes to the person and the work they’re doing.

• I’m sorry I can’t get give you the exact support you’ve requested. What I can do is ______ (insert your “yes” here, for example, recommend another resource; meet with you for an hour to review your approach; or remove a roadblock).
• I can see how excited you are about this initiative, that’s awesome. I wish I could help. I’ve got to stay focused on ______ (insert your MIT here).
• Wow, I’m impressed with all you’re doing. I just don’t have the bandwidth to help with this right now.
• Thank you so much for thinking of me! I’m honored. I’m so sorry I can’t say yes to this right now.
• Exciting! We really have a lot going on right now. I’m going to have to pass on this opportunity right now so I can focus on _____.

3. Know When Your “Know” Means You Should Say No at Work

This is a bit more tricky. In our Courageous Cultures research, 67% of employees said their manager operates around the notion of “this is the way we’ve always done it.”

So, if you’re the boss (or an expert), how do you know if you are stuck in your ways as opposed to saying no for important and justified reasons based on your expertise?

First, Respond With Regard through gratitude, information, and an invitation to keep contributing.

• Thank you so much for your suggestion. Here’s some additional information you might not be aware of. Considering that, I wonder what additional ideas you might have?
• That idea would be really interesting if we were planning to expand our leadership training programs to include training llamas. But for now, our focus is training humans on human-centered leadership.
• That idea is so fun! And, it would clearly violate _________(this law, compliance, brand standards)….I wonder what ideas you have that could accomplish something similar within those requirements?
• That’s interesting. Have you considered ____ (add additional information here).
• Thank you for thinking about this. However, this clearly is ______ (illegal, out of compliance, against this foundational policy). Let’s think a level deeper about the outcome you’re looking for, and how we might get there.

4. Say a Hard “No” to Values Clashes and Ethics Violations

I’m not sure who said this first, but sometimes “no is a complete sentence”.

If someone is asking you to do something unethical, immoral, or illegal, a hard no may be in order.

• That’s a hard no because _________.
• This doesn’t feel right to me, let’s call ________ (legal, HR, compliance).
• That doesn’t sit right with me ethically.
• Nope, can’t do that, it’s a clear violation of our code of conduct.
• No. That’s completely inappropriate for you to ask me to do that.

5. And, Yes, You Can Even Say “No” to Your Boss

You may think, “great these ‘how to say no at work’ phrases might work well for a coworker, but it’s much harder to say no to my boss!”

I get it. And, yet some variations of the above phrases can work, even with your boss.

Again, start with what you can say yes to…

• I’m deeply committed to the success of the team and to this project. What you’re asking me to do here would mean _______. Which concerns me because of ________. An alternative approach might be____.
• This project sounds so exciting. And at the moment, I can’t take on another thing—unless we re-prioritize my current work. Can we set up some one-on-one time to talk about all I have on my plate and where my contribution will have the biggest impact?
• I really want to support you on this, but my gut says we shouldn’t do it. Perhaps we should run this by _______ (HR, Legal, Compliance).
• You know I’m always looking to stretch and grow. I want to contribute all I can to this company and continue to stretch and grow. I don’t think I’m the best fit for the role you’re suggesting because…

Saying no at work isn’t always easy. But when you can stay focused on the bigger yes, you’ll gain respect and accomplish more with less frustration.

Looking for More Tools for Difficult Conversations?

If you’ve noticed we’ve been talking about workplace conflict and collaboration a lot recently, it’s because we’ve been doing a lot of research, learning from people all over the world about their biggest workplace conflicts and what they would do differently next time. More on that research here.

In the meantime, our new book, Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Workplace Conflict: What to Say Next to Destress the Workday, Build Collaboration, and Calm Difficult Customers,  and we’re working on building our speaking tour  (you can take a quick peek at some of our new conflict and collaboration programs here).

Your Turn

What are your favorite phrases for saying no at work?

Related Articles:

Managing Up With Grace: How to Give Your Boss Better Feedback

How Do I Deal with a Manipulative Boss?

How to Convince Your Boss You Have a Great Solution 

The post How to Say No at Work: Powerful Phrases to Stand Your Ground appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

According to Glassdoor’s 2020 Politics at Work Research, most U.S. employees believe political discussions are “unacceptable” at work.

And yet, one in two employees have done so.

In fact, twenty-eight percent report:

a co-worker has tried to persuade them to change their political party preference in the past year.

These contentious political conversations come at a cost. Twenty-one percent of the employees surveyed in the Glassdoor study reported they would not want to work with a co-worker who plans to vote for a presidential candidate they don’t like in the next election.

Politics and Social Media: The Conversation Before the Conversation

But, it’s tricky.

Even if you (or your co-workers) don’t breathe a word about politics at the virtual water cooler, it doesn’t take much to know exactly where your co-workers stand.

We’ve had so many HR folks tell us of the complaints they’re in the middle of because:

the other guy started it.

Which, upon further investigation, all came down to politics being discussed on a social media post.

Co-workers can feel personally attacked by a political point of view, even if it wasn’t meant to be about them.

As one senior leader shared:

Our biggest challenge is that people think if you support _______, you are a bad person. Who wants to work with a bad person?

Tips For Preventing Political Conversations From Getting Out of Hand

1. Reflect to connect with your coworkers.

If your values and views are so far apart that conversations feel like powder kegs, you’re not likely going to change anyone’s mind— no matter how persuasive your argument might be at the virtual happy hour.

Instead, work to focus on empathetic conversations, with a simple approach— reflect the emotion you’re hearing and use that to make a human connection.

For example:

I can tell you’re really frustrated by this issue.

You seem really excited about that event you attended.

I hear you’re hopeful about _____.

With a simple reflection phrase, your co-worker will feel seen and heard by you, which makes it easier to calmly extricate yourself from a further conversation on the topic. And get back to collaborating on your common goals.

2. Connect one-on-one.

It’s hard to hate people up close. Move in. -Brené Brown

Conversations seem to go sideways the fastest in crowds, or in asynchronous communication.  Respectful one-on-one conversation, where you show up and really listen, can go a long way in building deeper human connection and relationships.

People do long for connection and support during this challenging time. Deeper, respectful dialogue, done well, will go a long way in building trust and repairing the damage from casual assumptions.

3. Leverage the company policies and rules.

Most companies are re-communicating their policies and guidelines about appropriate conversations at work. (If you’re in HR and need help, here’s a useful SHRM article on the topic.)

Without creating a ruckus, you can simply say, “This conversation seems to be headed to a place that is outside of our company guidelines. I’m going to choose to stay out of it and focus on (insert your big business challenge).”

4. Beware of outside conversations creeping in.

It’s certainly within your rights to engage in contentious conversations with a co-worker at the bar after work or in an after-hours social media exchange, but it could come at a cost.

Once the drama ensues, it’s hard to let it go on your Monday morning Zoom call.

A conversation with a co-worker is still a conversation with a co-worker, even if you aren’t at work.

It’s a big world with more than enough opportunities to vet, vent, and engage. And often, it’s better to do it somewhere else.

Your Turn

What would you add? What’s your best advice for preventing politics from destroying work relationships?

See Also:

How to Help Your Team Prepare for the Turbulent Aftermath of the Election

The post How to Prevent Politics From Destroying Work Relationships appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.